Cock Problems.

Having suffered a drippy cock for a little while now, I decided to bite the bullet and call in a plumber to rectumfy the damned thing.
Often a daunting task, not just the worry that an awful lot of money is about to disappear but also the fact that they're reliably unreliable and an odd breed of human, I forged ahead in the futile hope that I would locate and procure Birchington's finest.
Well, apart from the fact that he was about 100lbs overweight (not so practical for someone that often has to squeeze behind cupboards), he seemed competent and very enthusiastic. And when I outlined the problem with my cock, he almost 'whooped' and did a back-flip!
"Can you fix it, dearie?" I asked him.
"Probably just need to tighten your nuts for you a little bit, darlin'" he replied, "and your cock will be just fine."
I had a feeling, before he'd even arrived, that this was going to be a bit of a carry-on. I hadn't imagined, even for a second, that it was going to be a bit of a carry-on film, mind you.
"I'll leave you to it, then." I offered, not really wanting to perpetuate this type of innuendo with someone large enough to be my entire family.

So, half an hour later he emerged, sweating, panting, sucking air through his teeth and declaring that someone had made a right balls-up of my cock (ooh, matron!) and that all the pipework before and after it would have to be replaced. Possibly my boiler and toilet cistern too! Luckily, my bath appeared to have escaped relatively unscathed but it was, perhaps, too early to say for sure, however, he was pretty certain that my kitchen sink would be ok so long as I didn't fill it right up to the top for a while. "Oh, and someone has plumbed all your rads in back to front." he also opined.
"Would you mind if I got a second opinion?" I asked him.
"Sure," he replied, "I think your sofa's rubbish too!"

Duh!